HOW TO RIDE THE F*CKING TRAIN
A GUIDE BY SABREENA SALEEM
An annoying person blowing tf outta a woman on the train
Life is hard. And I suppose functioning like a normal human is, too. It's not that I can relate, but I do feel sympathy for the people I verbally assault daily on the train, so I thought I'd help you out - especially you, my fellow suburbanites.
A nosey dude moments before getting knocked out
Let people off the train. I get it, you're in a rush to pile into the germ-infested train because you love being uncomfortable, but it's so much easier when you let the people trying to exit the train off. There's more room for you to act entirely wild and block the doorways, so help them help you.
Don't block the fucking doorways. Believe it or not, there are other idiots on the train also trying really hard to function, and we need to give them room to enter and exit in a wild fashion. Again, help them help you.
Move the fuck in. Why you prefer standing in the corridor on a packed train - I'm not sure and quite frankly it blows the fuck outta me. But again, I feel sympathy for anyone who's startled by me saying "would you mind moving the fuck in?" It's actually great being in the aisle of the train. You get more room and you're much more likely to snag a seat.
Give your seat to people who need it. Now this one I actually do partially understand. It's been a long day, and all you want to do is sit down. But depending on how you were raised, you might want to consider letting the pregnant woman, the woman with kids, the actual kids, or an elderly person sit down because idk - it's the right thing to do? Promise, another seat will open up and if no one else needs it, it's all yours.
Take off your backpack. Your fixed gear is god knows where but you didn't leave without your Chrome messenger bag because of science. Fine. But you're taking up entirely too much room in the corridor you so ignorantly decided to stay in. Putting your bag on the floor or between your legs really helps the situation you're contributing to. I get that the floor is dirty, but so are the looks and the fist I'll give you if you don't chill. I've actually punched someone in the backpack before.
If you absolutely have to keep your stupid backpack on, stay still. Idk what the hell it is about people wearing backpacks on the train, but for some reason y'all have to look around, left to right, and you have to use your entire torso to do it. Please understand that you're bumping into mad people and you're probably hitting a short person in the face. At that point, anything goes, and I will come for you, Carol.
The train isn't going to leave without you. Believe it or not, the train doors have sensors and they cannot and will not close as long as something is in between them. That being said, chill the fuck out.
Similarly, you will not get trapped on the train. Rarely is someone unable to exit the train before the doors close. There's always some idiot blocking the doorways (see point #2) and if it's a packed train, there are likely other people exiting, too. You don't have to push past people before you arrive at the stop, because normal people will step off the train to allow you to exit, and you will not get trapped on the train.
If it's a popular stop, we're all getting off the train, too. If it's commuting hours and you're getting off at Clark/Lake, State/Lake, or pretty much any stop where office buildings are, we are all getting off there, too. This is basically point #8 all over again, but I've literally had to utter the words, "I'm getting off the train, too, bitch. Fall back." Do not push past me.
Do not push past me. Whether I'm trying to get on or off the train, there's absolutely no reason to try to cut in front of me. Again, you will not be trapped on the train nor will the train leave without you if there's room.
There's another train directly behind this one. The conductor is not lying when they say this, and sometimes it's better to just bite the bullet and wait 30 seconds, rather than make literally every person one human more uncomfortable. There's probably more room on the next one, anyway.
Don't hold the doors. You're really just delaying every single train behind you, and while I realize you get off on ruining peoples' days, you don't have to ruin every persons' in Chicago. They're already doing it to themselves, anyway.
Do not touch me. I get if it's packed on the train, but you have to have some sense of self awareness. Personal space is not a luxury, it's a necessity, so if you lean on me, put your hands too close to mine, or tap me on the shoulder, I will reflex-elbow the shit outta you.
The train is empty. Don't sit next to me. Why is it that out of allll the empty seats, you have to sit directly next to me? It's weird, bro. I got nothing else to say except that you're fucking weird.
Shut up. Conversation is obviously allowed, but there's no reason for every single person on the train to hear you laugh about how you and your stupid friends did some mediocre, boring ass shit over the weekend. Save it.
Move your shit. You can totally put your bag on the seat on an empty train, but also use your head.
Why are you looking at my phone? Can't tell you how many times I've caught people glancing over at my phone essentially reading my texts. I'll type some shit like "this bitch next to me is reading my texts." and they get mad uncomfortable. Save yourself the embarrassment.
Don't stare at me or make eye contact. Just don't.
I hope that this guide has helped you to be less of a moron, and that you take this advice to avoid getting knocked tf out. We're all trying to get somewhere. Chill.
