#NOTINTERESTED: BUT YOUR SITE IS CALLED NO STRINGS

A LESSON IN CONFIDENCE BY SABREENA SALEEM

I ACTUALLY GET this shit often. My website name is obviously a play on the idea of "no strings attached" relationships, but as I mentioned in my ABOUT page, No Strings describes my lifestyle. I mean, yeah, you're right, I'm not interested in having a strings-attached relationship with you. I'm not even interested in spending 1 on 1 time with you. I haven't opened a text you sent me in October 2017 and I highkey never saved your number. But you'd be surprised (or maybe not) how many times a man has said to me, "but your site is called No Strings" in an attempt to get with me.

It's obviously offensive. It's offensive that: 

1. Somebody would think I'd be like, "oh yeah, you're right. No Strings. Let's go." 
2. Somebody would think they are entitled to my time or my body because of a website name.
3. Somebody would think they are entitled to my time or my body in general.
4. Somebody would actually get mad at me for confidently saying no.

And yet, here we are. The thing is...

PEOPLE ARE NEXT LEVEL INSECURE, MISOGYNISTIC & ENTITLED AS FUCK.

This problem obviously exists everywhere, but the audacity of the men I've encountered in this city is honestly really impressive. Like, I didn't think people could have me more fucked up. If men aren't trying to claim you like you're an object (which is a whole other post) or bash you to their friends then smile in your face, they're looking for other ways to be entirely disrespectful. And lowkey, a lot of girls are just used to it - to the point where they'll come at me crazy on some "you should know better" kinda shit. Like nah, miss me with that internalized misogyny. These dudes should know better than to speak to me in public. So watch your tone.

Here's the thing. If you carry yourself confidently, dress how you want to, and own your beauty and sexuality for no one but yourself, PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT SHIT. People probably think I'm super stuck up from the last few paragraphs alone, all because I don't care what everyone thinks and I don't wholeheartedly care about every man I meet. BUT WHO DOES? Do you really plan to remember every person you've met? Like, do you really care to have the "so what do you do" conversation with everybody? No. I'm just being vocal about it. Ironically, people - men especially - will tell your attitude is what makes you dope or appealing...and they might actually believe it when they say it. But when it really comes down to it and they're on the other side of you not caring, that shit is threatening. We've heard this our whole lives, yet 5% of society understands that WE DON'T HAVE TO LIKE YOU. GIRLS - PEOPLE - DON'T HAVE TO LIKE YOU.

Now you're probably thinking, "oh, someone's threatened by my confidence? sounds like a personal problem," to which I'd say you are abso-fucking-lutey right; HOWEVER, here's what people try to do, and sometimes it works:

The second you do something that makes them uncomfortable (i.e. stand up for yourself, reject them, understand you're not obligated to like everybody), that's when people will try to make you feel like there's something wrong with you. They're just not used to it and they probably wish they could do it, too. So when I decline someones advances or explain that I'm really not into whatever they're offering, they'll insult me or say things like "but your site is called 'No Strings,'" to make me feel like I'm a fraud. Like I'm presenting myself in a way that I'm not. To imply that I look a certain way or write a certain way so I should act a certain way. To shame me. Basically, they're trying to make me feel bad about being confident and saying I'm simply not interested. Have you noticed the only time a guy backs off is when you say you have a boyfriend? Spoiler alert: It's because they can't possibly fathom that a woman just really doesn't care to speak to them. This makes them feel insecure.

One thing I've also noticed since moving to Chicago is that men around here do not like my dry sense of humor. I'm sarcastic as fuck, and I accept this about my personality. It works for some, not so much for others. I really don't care. Where I come from, that shit is charming AF. But out of every 10 guys I meet, maybe 2 of them get my vibe and can actually keep up. See, a lot of these dudes are dumb sensitive and they don't know how to deal with it. If you're not timid and you don't smile in their faces they brush you off. And if you do something they're not used to, they feel attacked and they get mad defensive because they don't know how else to react. It especially bothers them if you're a woman.

I'll never forget this time someone at a party started talking to me, and I made a sarcastic comment to him. He was having an off day and it didn't mesh well with him, so I get it. It's not always a good time for sarcasm, and we've talked about it since and we're cool. But what was really wild to me was that his friends started coming at me, talking about "if you weren't pretty you wouldn't be shit," or like "i'm not even gonna gas you up, you think you're better than everyone." I obviously started laughing and asking why they were reacting that way to a joke. I mean, why were they taking it so personally? What did being a pretty girl have to do with anything? Bless their hearts for publicly having a meltdown. That takes strength. But like, 3 grown men were really hurt by a sarcastic comment? And they didn't think it was weird to gang up on me?

There were no low blows or shots fired on my end. I literally just said something - greeted them, I think, or something trivial - in a sarcastic tone. That's how I am. I wasn't going to apologize for that. But still, they were relentless with their comments and waited for me to crack or feel bad about the way I said something - feel bad about my own personality. I realized the more I laughed it off and didn't let their rude comments get to me, the more they got riled up. But eventually they did give up because they just looked goofy. Anyway, the moral is, don't take these peoples' comments personally. I know they weren't expecting this attitude from a cute girl and it made them feel insecure, like the dominance shifted over to someone else. Fragile masculinity is real.  And if you stand your ground and are comfortable with who you are, people will try to make you feel bad for it, especially if you're a woman. Don't. They want you to crack. Don't.

Now, not too long ago, these kinds of things would bother me. Someone commenting on my looks would make me feel bad, and someone finding my personality too strong would make me tone it down. Someone telling me I'm conceited cuz I don't care about their face or their mixtape would definitely make me question if I actually do think I'm better than everyone. And lastly, someone assuming that "no strings" implies I'm "easy" would make me feel low - which by the way, is only because I was trained to believe women should not be sex-positive. Girl, if you're tryna get smashed like an Idaho potato by a new dude every night, I support it. Just be safe. But again, that's a whole other post.

Anyway, I let all that shit go, and you can, too. The thing I realized is everybody tells you to be yourself, but nobody actually wants you to be yourself. Except I do. I really, fucking do.

So how do you be yourself and remain confident in such a misogynistic, power-driven world? My advice would be to really think about the times you did what you wanted to do or acted how you wanted to act and somebody made you feel bad about it. Was it you? Or were they projecting their insecurities onto you? I mean, if you killed their cat like, fuck you. But if you got a really good blow out and started whipping that shit around like Beyoncé and you curved every dude who came your way, anyone who has a problem with that can go to hell. Stunt on 'em shorty. Do I think those the men who were insulted when I rejected them are bad people? No. I think I fucked with their egos a little bit and they didn't know how to act. Do I think those men who attacked me for my sarcasm were wild af? Yes. But I think my personality, confidence and possibly my dominant nature took them by surprise and made them feel weak. But being confident got me where I am today. You think I'd get hired anywhere if I walked in looking like a sorry ass bitch? Nope. You think I'd come out unscathed every time someone tries to make me feel inferior? No. Own your shit and stand your ground.

My last piece of advice is to write yourself a love letter. I did this when I felt my lowest. I dug deep and thought about all the things I liked about myself. Yo, I think my jokes are funny as fuck. My MCM doesn't. It's fine. But make that shit romantic. Think about all your great qualities, nice things people have said to you, things you've accomplished that you're proud of. Write about good ideas you've had, times where you being you saved the day. Then read that shit to yourself until you remember who the fuck you are. I guarantee the next time someone comes for you because you were being yourself, you'll laugh, too.

And if anybody gets mad, send them this post and tell 'em you're not #NOTINTERESTED.

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