A NEW SERIES BY SABREENA SALEEM
A LOT CAN HAPPEN in a year and a half. When I packed my bags and moved to Chicago, I did not anticipate the changes I'd go through or the lessons I'd learn.
Before I moved here, I'd always been pretty much to myself. In high school I had a tight-knit group of friends, and I really didn't venture outside of the music wing of our school if I didn't have to. I ate lunch with the same people, spent hours in the orchestra room, and by senior year I only had 2 classes outside of music. I was by no means social, and I always kinda felt like the odd one out. College was similar, except I had even fewer friends. I was in a long-term, long-distance relationship, and eventually spent most of my time with my boyfriend.
For the first part of college I lived on my own, so I never had the experience of being matched with a random roommate. And I certainly didn't socialize with anyone on my floor; so everyone pretty much thought I was stand-offish and weird. I did know a few people from high school and spent time with them, but it wasn't until I started working at my university's student-run newspaper that I was forced to step out of my comfort zone. I started to know who people were simply from interviewing students or reading about them in the paper. But even then, they didn't know me. And I preferred it that way. I befriended a couple people at the paper, so between them and my friends from high school, I developed another small, tight-knit group of friends.
Fast forward to August 2016. I had just arrived in Chicago, freshly single, with nothing but a new job, new surroundings, and an old friend - my roommate was also a high school & college friend. We instantly submerged ourselves in the music scene, because that's what was familiar to us, and I spent the better half of the year attending jazz concerts, reggaeton night at Ñ, and whatever random things I could get into. I took trips, and was honestly living my best life - until I met a boy.
Now, contrary to what I'll tell you off the record, this boy did not ruin my life. That was the depression. But he was a catalyst for some of the changes and the problems that were probably inevitable. See, this boy became my comfort zone. So when that ended, I was forced - once again - to expand my horizons and really find my place in Chicago. No more hiding in the orchestra room.
Since then, I've gone on more dates than I can remember, met more people than I can keep track of, and encountered more drama than I've ever experienced in my life. I can hardly go somewhere without running into someone I know or someone who knows me (there are a lot of people whose names and faces I don't remember because I'm generally not interested in doing so - nothing personal). I became this social butterfly, even though that's not what I really wanted. Honestly, I wasn't used to people "liking" me right off the bat, and I needed to stay busy in order to get out of my head. I started meeting new people and stacking plans on top of plans, and by summer 2017, I had something to do every single night. I'd go days without seeing my roommate or sleeping in my own bed.
At that rate, I was bound to reach a breaking point with my mental health. It became obvious how destructive my behavior was to my health, and it was clear I was prioritizing the wrong things. I kind of lost myself, which is very easy to do. And I'm still guilty of this. The journey to self-love and respect has been a long one, and it's one I'm still on. And though hard work pays off, I still find myself wrapped up in things I don't belong in, nor am I interested in.
The thing about Chicago - at least the scene I've found myself in - is that it will chew you up and spit you out if you let it, especially if you're fresh meat. People involve you in their problems and they make their minds up about you based solely on what they've heard. Most of the time, they're severely mistaken, but it doesn't matter. This shit can get to you. Contrary to what you may have heard, I'm actually not interested in drama. I'm not interested in being known. I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend. Similarly, I'm not interested in your man or your ex-boyfriend. I'm not interested in expanding my friend group, and I'm not interested in pretending to fuck with people just to see what they can do for me or "my projects."
So despite the moments where I've wanted to give up, run away, or become what people claim I am, realizing that I'm dealing with things I'm generally uninterested in has helped me take a few steps back and actually learn from my experiences. Don't get me wrong, it's beneficial to learn things the hard way; but I do wish I had someone to warn me, advise me, or prepare me for all the fuckery I'd end up dealing with.
And that's what I hope to do for you. Maybe you're moving to the city. Maybe you just did. Or maybe you've been here for a while but you still find yourself trying to navigate through the all the madness that comes along with it. Whatever it is, I want to share my experiences and lessons with you in hopes that you don't have to learn things the hard way. Or maybe you'll enter situations a little wiser. Maybe you'll just have a laugh. Either way, this is for you - the girl who's finding her way in this crazy world. Some dudes might get woke, too.
I promise to keep it real with you. This series is going to be brutally and unapologetically honest. There's definitely going to be some tea, and it might get me in trouble, but I think my tarnished reputation and I can handle it. I've got nothing to lose.
So keep an eye out. I'm looking forward to sharing these stories with you.
-SS
