i don't change my voice for you
“I don’t change my voice for you.”
This is a thought that popped into my head one day, and it’s played over in my head several times since. At first it was difficult to expand upon. I sort of knew what it meant, but I didn’t know what to do with it. So I went on my computer, opened a note, and saved the sentence to my drive. I never opened it again, though. Guess I didn’t need to.
It’s not everyday that you - scratch that - I meet someone, with whom I speak openly and freely. And that’s not to say I speak to people in a fake way it’s just… some things – or people - make me change my voice.
There’s my work voice, which is a little more high-pitched. Confident, but a little nervous. And as much as I try not to, I tend to come off a little robotic at work. I take shit very seriously and I think carefully about what I’m about to say. I actually want to be less intense, but sometimes my brain just won’t let me. I chalk it up to social anxiety, but who knows. I’ll unpack that another day.
Then there’s my friends voice. It projects much further than it does at work. I’m more enthusiastic, but of course cynical. I feed off my friends’ energy and my personality shifts pretty naturally depending on which group of friends I’m with. It’s all variations of the same person, just a little more in tune with our common interests. Having all my friend groups together is like putting together a 25-piece puzzle, but all of the pieces fit.
Then there’s the [insert eye roll] boy I like/boy I’m dating voice. Sometimes there’s only a subtle difference, but it’s there nonetheless. It goes beyond my pitch, which is ALWAYS higher when I’m with them. I smile when I speak, even if I’m not happy. I approach conversations delicately. Even if I’m roasting the mf, it somehow comes off like cotton fuckin’ candy. It’s really painful to watch myself be this way to be honest. And it’s something I was never able to understand. Why am I walking on eggshells? I’m pretty sure I’m the one who put them there. There’s no way this dude is as critical of me as I’m being. And if he is, well fuck. That’s dead. Why am I like this? How did my voice get this high??
I’m still not totally sure. Maybe it’s because it’s wrong. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe it’s because I’m not treating them like a friend. Maybe it’s because they aren’t one. Idk. Maybe.
All I know is I don’t change my voice for you. And I finally know what to do with that - which is nothing. I can finally relax. There’s no extra intensity. My voice projects the way it should. I say what I want to say. My pitch is normal, and my mind is at ease. But most importantly, there are no eggshells. It’s just you and me.