GIRL GANG

I’ve always wanted a group of girlfriends. Growing up, most of my friends were boys, and the girlfriends I did have were either far away or the friendships just weren’t that deep. I wanted a girl group like Sex and the City. Girlfriends. Shit, the Ashley’s. Girls who had their own personalities but meshed together. We’d fight, we’d get annoyed, we’d cry - but we’d always make up because that’s what friends do.

 I had that once. A few times actually. In high school I made my first girl group. It was me and two other girls, then eventually three. We were all so different, but we had a lot of the same interests and the same type of humor. We didn’t dress the same or like the same boys, but we complemented each other in that regard. Rarely would you see one of us without wondering where the others were. We had inside jokes and traditions, and we messaged on AIM all day talking about nothing and planning our outfits for the next day. We stole our parents’ liquor and made drunk videos of us singing Lil Wayne songs that only we could watch, and we always went to Homecoming games and dances together. Two of us were close, the other two were close, and then bam – we all fit together like a cute ass jigsaw puzzle.

 The thing is, I was pretty insecure in the friend group. It’s taken time to admit that, but it’s the truth. A lot of the time, I’d feel a sense of being left out, and left out for a reason. If two of them were hanging out with me, I thought maybe they didn’t like me that much. Why didn’t they invite me? And that hurt. It made me wonder what was wrong with me – why I couldn’t share the closeness they did. And ultimately, I think I pushed myself away without realizing it.  So after high school, we went to college and went different ways. I had a disappointing sort of falling out with one of them, drifted from another, and remained close with one for quite some time. We’re all cool now, but our paths have brought us to different places. With different people.

When I moved to Chicago, I got another chance at having my dream girl group. Again, we were all different, but together we just worked. We went on vacation together, had sleepovers, and rarely left the house without consulting each other about our outfits. We were the life of the party, but we were also there for each other emotionally. What we didn’t realize, was that we were all sort of going through our own things. Early 20’s shit. We got frustrated with each other. We stopped talking about our feelings. Our priorities became different. So naturally, we drifted apart to different places. To different people.

A few years later, out of nowhere, I quickly became friends with another group of girls. This time it was just like the shows and the movies. It was so fucking solid. We’d spend hours on facetime, spend consecutive days together, and we talked about things I’ve never shared with friends before. It was the girl gang I always dreamed of, and we had necklaces to prove it. The thing is it moved really quickly. We went from strangers to sisters almost instantly. But like with any relationship the closer we got, the more we began to learn about each other. And sometimes that was a good thing, sometimes it wasn’t. The group brought out really good parts of me, but also showed me a side of myself I didn’t like. I should’ve known we moved too fast, but the high was too good. As our friendship grew, we stopped being honest with each other and good to one another, but we tried to keep up the façade – which only made things worse. I think we tried to protect our hearts because we knew we could hurt each other; and eventually, we tucked them away. Kept them from people.

One time I got into a really bad fight with one of the girls -- I’m talking yelling and screaming at each other on the street -- and I cried so much that night you would’ve thought my boyfriend broke up with me. It was that type of cry that gives you a migraine, makes the room look grey, and drains the energy from your entire body. And I knew after that fight things would never be the same. I couldn’t view the friendship the same way. I wasn’t sure why it hurt so badly. We hadn’t been friends that long. Maybe it was that my picturesque friendship felt like it was smashed to pieces. Another failed girl gang. Maybe it was grief. Looking back, I could’ve tried harder to make things right, but I felt defeated. I was now on the outs with two fourths of the gang, two fourths of my heart. And I wasn’t ready for that or equipped to put the pieces back together.

The situation forced me to reflect, and something I realized was that long distance relationships just work for me. Groups aren’t feasible. There was a time I thought it stemmed from growing up with a father who constantly traveled. But as I write, I’m starting to think it’s a way to protect myself from the heartbreak of a shattered friendship. The thing I realized about all these different relationships is that they broke my heart in a way I didn’t know friends could. And it made me act funny. The back of my brain tells me the problem is me. That I expect too much from people. I put too much on them. I even toyed with the idea that maybe I’m just incapable of being close to anyone; but my relationship with my actual sisters and boyfriend debunked that theory, thankfully.

I guess now it’s time to accept that I might never have that friendship I longed for – or at least one that’ll last. I guess it’s not realistic. But I need to stop seeing that as a bad thing. Of course, I’m envious of the girls who spend days on end with each other, tell each other secrets, go everywhere together -- but at the end of the day, maybe that’s just not meant for me. And that’s okay.

I still have undying love for every girl I’ve ever called my best friend, and I’m so grateful for the memories I have, because when It was lit, baby it was LIT. I’ll support them. I’ll still pick up the phone. And I’ll always be hopeful.

So, the next time you see that cool group of girls out and about, living what looks like their best lives, remember there’s more to it than you think. And please, support your local Girl Gang, because you never know how much they need it.