#NOTINTERESTED: THE HOMIE-HOPPER

A CONFESSION BY SABREENA SALEEM

GUYS GET AWAY with a lot of shit - and honestly, it's really only because they can. Well, they could. Until now. Today I'm sharing their tricks.

If you ask just about anybody in this scene about me, they can probably give you a list of every dude I've been seen with in public. And it's not just me. People around here generally keep tabs because everyone knows each other and everyone is extremely bored. A few months ago, no one knew anything about me. But now, people will definitely speak on my name, and if you ask about me, at least one person will probably tell you I'm a homie-hopper. And if you're lucky, you can be, too. It's easy. Like me.

CAROL

So, you made a new friend right? Maybe you're new in town. Maybe your friend set you up on a date. Maybe you're just an open-minded person. The details actually don't matter. What matters is, you made a new friend. A male friend.

Now, before you "not all men" me, please just take a second - roll a blunt, grab some chips - whatever will keep your mouth shut and your eyes peeled for just a second. I promise you I see right through the bullshit.

So you're kicking it with this guy, right? You're just chillin,' getting to know each other - whatever. Now, this guy is polite. He invites you out when he's out, introduces you to everybody, and just shows you what he's all about. And it's actually cool. You really enjoy each other's company and you hang out, grab food, etc. And like in many guy-girl relationships, there's probably a moment where one of you is like, "wait - do I like you?" You might even put it to the test. But ultimately, you weren't feelin' it.

Alternatively, maybe you actually went on a few dates with somebody and people happened to see you out. Similarly, he's polite, so he introduces you to each person who comes and says hi. But at the end of the day, it was just alright. There wasn't really any chemistry, so maybe you're better off as friends.

All of this sounds fine and dandy, right?  Everything was super casual and not really a big deal.

Actually, sis. It is.

Again, Chicago is small, and everyone pretty much knows each other or has at least heard of each other. And everybody talks. So I'm sorry to break it to you, but your friend knows exactly what he's doing when he introduces you to his friends. Yeah, your new "friend" - let's call him Carol - was not introducing you to everyone to be polite. Carol is flexing you in public and he's calling dibs.

Think about it. When you see those people you just met out again - the people he introduced you to; how are they going to remember you? Oh, you were with fucking Carol, a super nice, friendly dude. People don't even need to know what's going on. You're associated with Carol whether you like him or not. He has claimed you.

Now you may be thinking, no, there's no way they do that shit on purpose. Sis, they do.

Let's pause, because this raises the question: how sad must someone be to claim a chick who would never claim them? That's gotta be mad embarrassing, right? Yes, but actually, no. People don't really care or think about the details between you and Carol because you're a woman. You are arm candy to show off, a prize to be won, and locker room jokes to laugh about. 

This is trick number one.

SUSAN & NANCY

Now let's say you have the misfortune of meeting another guy and you start talking. One of two things are likely to happen: 

1. The guy you're talking to - let's call him Susan - knows that you and fucking Carol had some type of friendship. Now, Susan's a man, and you're a hot ass bitch, so he's obviously going to try to get with you.  But again, everybody knows each other, so he uses this fact to his advantage. He tells you, "oh, that guy's not really my friend. You know, we don't really kick it like that. We just know each other from around." That's trick number two.

2. On the opposite end, you might meet a guy you actually like - let's call him Nancy. Now Nancy may or may not have heard the same bullshit about you and Carol, but to be honest, you've forgotten about Carol already. You never had a relationship with Carol, so it's irrelevant. You and Nancy start texting, flirting, and you pretty much have heart eyes every time you see him. Unfortunately, either Carol or a bunch of nosey idiots around you are going to say, "Really? You're going to talk to Carol's friend?" And it makes things very awkward for both you. Oh, now y'all are BEST friends. That's convenient, isn't it, Carol? Trick number three.

There's a million scenarios that could happen, but at the end of the day, you're a woman, and because of this - because you talked to somebody who knows somebody, even though everybody knows everybody - you are a homie hopper. I am a homie hopper.

Yes, love. You are basically Carol's intellectual property even if you never liked him, or frankly, even if he never liked you. You were seen in public, therefore you are Carol's. At least this is what people around here have been telling me (girls have told me this too. praying for y'all). So the fate of you and your next crush really depends on whether Nancy or Susan is Carol's friend today, or just someone he knows from around. Which ever is convenient. Either way you look bad, and no one's going to defend you. Not Nancy, not Susan - not even other girls. 

Oh yeah, and all of these people range from the ages 21-30. Yikes.

BRANDY & MONICA

We all know that guys can really talk to whoever the fuck they want. If a guy fucked with me, then fucked with some girl I know, it would be up to us girls to argue or figure it out.  Carol's probably (definitely) DMing your best friend right now to be honest. And when it comes down to it, you're more likely to have a falling out with her than to reenact the ending to the Boy is Mine music video. Which is sad, because you're definitely a Brandy or a Monica and you're acting like a backup singer for MoKenStef.

Guys get to say stupid shit in songs like "I fucked her and her friend," and it's super fucking cool. Like, you're so badass and you can make an entire rap song about it. But if a girl talks to - not even has sex with - a guy's friend - a friend of a guy she never dated, it's over. You're a homie hopper and you're a hoe. Just like that.

Well, I don't play that shit. And neither should you. These boys aren't used to confrontation, and they're definitely not used to a cute, outspoken girl who doesn't give a fuck about her reputation. So let's get it.

Honestly, fuck Carol, Susan, Nancy, and whoever else cares so much about what you do or what people say you do. Because at the end of the day, it's all talk. And yeah, it might suck that your relationships are affected by this. And it might suck that the people you thought were your friends are whispering about you in the background or calling you out on shit they don't know about. But you're beautiful, smart, and strong, and as long as you have real friends who love you, stick up for you, and never question your character, you'll make it through just about anything. And I know that you'll meet a guy who doesn't care about the talk. 

And lastly, you beautiful perfect angel, please know that I am here with you. As your fellow homie-hopping, social-climbing, feminist hoe, I promise to never involve myself with your relations. I promise to never judge you for who you like or who you talk to, and I definitely promise to never make assumptions about what's happening in your life based on what other people say - or who introduced us. I will take the time to get to know the person you show me. And I will stand up for you.

So go ahead, boo. You know their tricks. And the next time a dude tries to introduce you to his friends, tell him you're fully capable of introducing yourself. Tell him you're #NOTINTERESTED.