grief.

I am full of so much sadness and anger that I don't even know how to get from one second to the next. This is beyond my usual "i'm depressed leave me alone" mood. This is like, existential anger.

Apparently, I’m grieving. Grief isn’t like depression because unlike my typical encounters with depression, I actually understand exactly what the fuck it is I’m upset about. I’m also soberingly aware of the simple fact that there isn’t shit I can do about it. And it makes me angry to my core. I don’t experience real anger often - not true, genuine anger. I get frustrated, irritated, agitated, etc, but it’s always brief and it’s always reactionary to something that in time will pass. So, sitting here right now is difficult.

I feel insane. People pass away all the time. Every single god damn person has lost a loved one and they’ve been sad about it and they’ve found a way to carry on. I myself have lost people I’ve loved and I’ve felt it, but I have never experienced grief in the way that I am now. I say that I feel insane because every single time someone talks to me, I think “what the fuck are you talking about? why are you talking to me?” Like, I’m truly flabbergasted and annoyed that anyone is saying anything to me about anything. I think do you realize I just watched one of the people I love the most take their last breath? That I watched their soul leave their body? That I stood in a quiet room that broke into a loud chorus of screams and cries and losses of breath from every single person who would normally console me in a time like this? That I tossed a single pink rose onto a metal vessel in a sea of grass and stone and was expected to feel some fucking sense of closure?’ That I cry every time I take a shower? And I’m sad. And I’m traumatized. And I’m lost. Don’t you know? How couldn’t you know? My brain gets jumbled and all I know is that I can’t regard anything anyone has to say to me as important. And although I’m aware that the world does not just stop while we’re grieving, I just can’t get myself to care about anything else. I’ve never felt more unapologetically selfish in my life.

My friends say they’re here for me if I need it. That’s a nice thing to say and a nice thing to do, but I don’t know what that’s really supposed to do for me. Sure, some laughs and some good company are good for a broken heart, but that’s like giving a kid with a cold some chicken noodle soup or some shit. It’s universally recommended and endorsed by moms, but does it really help? Even self-care is bullshit because there’s nothing that can put my mind at ease. I can’t just soak in a bubble bath to relax and ease my stress because I’m not stressed. There’s nothing to be stressed about. She’s gone. And there’s no haircut or cupcake or movie or hug that can take the pain away even for a moment.

I know that I’m angry because I’m beyond cynical. I’m a monster. I could really hurt someone’s feelings and barely feel a way about it. I almost want to. How could someone be here one second and gone the next? She wasn’t ready. None of us were ready. Everything I’ve ever said about “everything happens for a reason” has been completely dismantled and proven to be bullshit. I want to believe that her spirit lives with and within me. I want to say she’s looking down at me right now cursing me out for not wearing a scarf when I go outside or somehow sending me love. I want to feel relieved knowing she’s at rest. But honestly, I’m just pissed. I’m really fucking pissed. And there’s nothing anyone can do or say to change that fact. And that in itself is enraging.

So grief is not like depression. At least not this time. Grief is a whole other bitch. Grief doesn’t want a hug. It doesn’t want to be consoled. I don’t want you and I don’t want anything. I want to be left alone. And for the first time maybe ever, I will end my post with just that. No optimistic little kicker, no life lesson. Just grief.