A FREQUENTLY PONDERED THOUGHT BY SABREENA SALEEM
I've experienced many kinds of love.
I've never once questioned whether love is real, because I was born into a family that truly loves unconditionally - sometimes to a fault. I believe that love carries us through hard times, makes good times worth having, and helps us find purpose when the world is telling us we have none.
But the kind of love I'm concerned with today is of the romantic nature. In my life, I have had four different types of love:
- I've had a first love. The type of love I was so sure about in one moment, but questioning if maybe I found it too soon in the next.
- I've had comfortable love. The type that grew on me over time, but was forced and lacking in passion and real understanding.
- I've had complicated love. The kind of love I could never fully grasp - the kind that has kept me and will continue to keep me questioning if I'll ever get it right.
- And I've had an illusion of love. One that happened fast, and although it was probably real for a second, was doomed from the start.
None of this love has worked out for me, and because of this, I've been forced to dig deep and think about three simple questions: what is love? how do I show love? and how do I receive it?
These aren't new questions - in fact, they've been written about before. In 1995, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. I'm not going to pretend I've read the book - my therapist actually told me about it - but I can tell you the guy's on to something.
Chapman writes that there are five languages of love: the giving of gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, act of service, and physical touch.
Now the ways you show love and the ways you receive them aren't always the same, and they're not always something you're proud of. Nonetheless, I've found it important to identify these languages that speak to me, not only so that I can make sure I'm getting the kind of love I need, but so I can actually identify when someone is showing it to me, even if it's not how I receive it.
- GIFT GIVING: Have you ever given someone something tiny, maybe even stupid in your mind, and they just appreciated the hell out of it? I find myself in these situations. To give someone a gift is often thoughtless for me, and while I do appreciate any gift, no matter how big or small, I don't usually look back and feel like that person loves me. And while material things aren't important to me, it is important to recognize that giving gifts is a grand gesture for some. If one of my girls spends her hard earned money on me when she could've gotten herself a manicure instead (this is for you, Victoria), that's definitely love. If someone gives you gifts to get something in return, it's probably not.
- QUALITY TIME: Something that I've experienced in every relationship is getting blown off a lot. And that shit hurts me the most. But sadly, it's never really the principle of getting blown off that hurts, it's the fact that quality time means so much to me. I find it tricky to be with someone who does not show their love this way, because it takes a lot of understanding and constantly reminding myself that the time we spend together is not an indication of how much/how little someone loves me. But I have to keep in mind that it is important to me.
- WORD OF AFFIRMATION: Ha, I know I'm a pain in the ass about this one. Not one time in any relationship has someone telling me they love me or care about me had any affect on me. It's not that I don't believe it, it's just that I've never had to hear the words to feel the emotion. Growing up, my family rarely ever said we loved each other, but at any given moment you could find me cuddled up with one of my sisters, or find my dad busting his ass to give us what he didn't have, or find my mom doing everything in her physical power to make sure we were comfortable. I'm still learning to sympathize and understand what it takes for some people to even utter those words, though. It's a really big deal for some people.
- ACTS OF SERVICE: I take this type of love to the next level - like, I do too much. When I love, I want to do everything for you. I want to make sure you're fed, and comfortable, and I want you to really feel it. I also crave this type of love in return. I like to do everything by myself, but for someone to bring soup when I'm sick, or just do thoughtful little things makes me feel the most loved. This is why some guy I've been with for a day can at times make me feel more loved than one I've been with for months. This often gets fucked up because sometimes I'm perceiving small gestures to be more than they are, and not everyone gives love this way. Sometimes acts of service are just second nature.
- PHYSICAL TOUCH: I'm gonna come right out and say this is the second least important of the five languages to me. Intimacy is actually foreign to me. Sometimes, a bitch just wants to cuddle, but for me it has little to do with love. And I don't receive this type of love well, either.
Each relationship I've had has held a different weight - and I'm realizing that it's all about the ways my partners have showed me their love and how well I've received it. I'm finding it's necessary to identify these languages in order to love and be loved better.
So, now that you know my entire life, which languages are important to you? I'd love to discuss.
-SS
