A REMINDER BY SABREENA SALEEM

MEN ARE A LUXURY, as Cher once so eloquently proclaimed. They're like dessert. And although I do like to indulge from time to time, men - just like sweets - are by no means a necessity. I actually find them useless. Sure, they look good now, but later I'll just be full of sugar, boredom, and regret. I will admit that parts of them are useful, but at this point in time I don't think there's anything a man (or a slice of cake) can do for me that I can't already do myself. 

I'm generally not interested in relationships. And I know what you're thinking - "we know, bitch, your site is called No Strings." Again, No Strings has nothing to do with my sex life (or lack thereof). But still, no one can tie me down and no one will.

One thing I can't stand is when guys have the audacity to talk to me like they're the only dude in my DMs. Yeah, shorty, I like you and all, but it's not like you completely do it for me, so there's really no reason for you to act out of pocket or talk slick. I mean, even if you did do it for me, you have to know there's always at least 3 other dudes hitting my line. And don't act surprised. Men do it, too. I mean, y'all are ungrateful as hell. You'll be with a chick completely out of your league so you think you're Leonardo DiCaprio and talk to a bunch of bum bitches on the side. And you know what? So the fuck do I.

See, ladies, in my opinion you can actually build a semi-perfect guy. Maybe you got Chris who appreciates the finer things and is always down to get dinner. Maybe you got Miles who is virtually useless, but he's a good cuddler and will slide at pretty much any time. Maybe you have Derek who actually likes to pop out and do fun things so you don't mind bringing him out in public. And maybe you just met this new jawn at the club and you're giving him the privilege of seeing how it goes. Put all of them together and you've got a decent guy. Ima go ahead and neither confirm nor deny that I do this. Alex, CJ, or Kenneth might be reading this.

Now you may be thinking, "who hurt you?" A few people. But this isn't about being petty or malicious. I just can't eat the same cake everyday and not be bored. Listen, we're young. And though most of your Facebook feed is probably full of old friends from high school sharing wedding and engagement photos, that doesn't mean you're not winning in life. People will say I'm arrogant, but really I'm just aware of what I have. I have a great apartment. I have a good job, and bitch, I just got a raise. My salary is higher than that of anyone I've ever dated. And most importantly, I'm in good health and I have friends and family who love me. What exactly is James going to contribute to that? Not sure. A sugar rush, I suppose.

I believe that the people we date should complement our lives, not complete them. I was raised to be self-sufficient and mostly independent, so I really don't have time for Steven and his antics (but thanks for the $50 the other day, Mom). The end goal at this point in life isn't to get married, and I'm not sure it ever will be. So why exactly would I settle for Craig and his sense of entitlement? I wouldn't. But Michael, Devonte, and Eduardo every other day just might work. At least they know their place.

What I'm trying to say is, ladies, have fun. You could let one guy ruin your day, or you could talk to five dudes at your disposal. Just cut 'em loose if they really start to catch feels, because unlike all of the men I've dated, we're actual capable of empathy, and it's not nice to string people along. But be forewarned: Men, although they do this, will say all types of shit about you if you keep a thot roster. Self-hating women who have fallen victim to internalized misogyny and a lack of sex-positivity will also come for you. Let 'em. Because the thing is, it doesn't even have to be about sex. I've never slept with Jeremy, Calvin, or John, but occasionally responding to their DMs has always kept me entertained.

So men, watch your tone. Yeah, you can talk out the side of your neck and then call busted Becky when I block you, but know that in the midst of all of this I'm either at work, paying my own bills, or responding LOL to thirst traps from Alejandro, Dominique, and Kevin. So don't talk to me like you're the only dude I'm talking to. It's nothing personal. I just got other tings to do so I'm really #NOTINTERESTED.