SOME PEOPLE FEEL LIKE VACATION.

Someone once told me that being with me feels like vacation. You know that one friend you make on a family trip who you bond with so well, but you know you’ll never see them again? From time to time you wonder how they are, what they’re up to, if they’re even the same person you knew for 5 days? They look different on Facebook. You can feel it in your stomach when you think about that trip - the way the warm air almost seemed to hug you and the smell and sound of the ocean hit your ears and nostrils. Your stomach fluttered with the anticipation of seeing that friend because they made your situation both comfortable and exciting - thrilling - but fleeting. I imagine that’s what he meant.

But what if you got to see that friend again? Would it really even matter? Would the feeling or the rush of it all feel dulled by the sobering fact that you in fact could see them again?

I got to go on vacation again.

It felt natural. It was almost like we never left. Things fit the way they should, just like I remembered. I felt at home - but a temporary home - a beach house maybe- but home, nonetheless. But for some reason, being home didn’t feel right. We knew it was wrong - we knew it was irresponsible to take that trip again because we’d have to go back to the moment we realized it was going to end abruptly. It was just hard to resist. Who would turn down a free vacation?

I protested the idea that vacation needed to end the first time around. Life decided that for me and it wasn’t fair. Why can’t things last forever? What if they could? I thought about that trip every single day. I fantasized about the adventures we could have had, things we could repeat until our never-ending time together was up. I didn’t understand why it had to end - why I couldn’t stay. And I know it weighed on him heavily because he was aware from the second we got there that it would come to an end.

When I went back, I finally understood.I trained my mind to accept it. I almost wanted to be engulfed in that feeling all over again. I’m almost sad I couldn’t. I don’t want him to worry because I’m less naive than I was that first time. I am the person you knew for those 5 days, but I’m also so much more. I’m so fortunate I was able to go back. But I won’t make it more than what it is. Even if we fall out of touch again, I understand.

Vacation is over.